I am nowhere near the sports commentator that Chris Berman is, and I never will be. However, his fastest 3-minutes rundown of the NFL week was always a favorite of mine, and what an opportunity to do a version of my own.

I was not around to obsess over each detail of Week 3 in our fantast football league, but baby I have unsolicited opinions and trash talk on the brain.

So lets kick off our Fastest Week 3 with our game from block....

JaMario Kart Racers vs Naberhood Watch

Brandon Smith and the Naberhood came into Week 3 looking for BLOOD — and they brought the haymakers early.

Harold Fannin and Kenneth “K9” Walker each found the end zone twice, putting the pressure on the Racers.

BUT HOLD THE PHONE!

James Cook answered with a left hook of his own, combining with Jeremiyah Love for 40+ points and keeping the Racers in the fight.

Then came the last-second QB switch: Burrow OUT, Shough IN. And the move paid off, pushing the Naberhood just a little further ahead.

Injuries nearly canceled each other out, but still left Kurdys as the underdog and needing ONE BIG PUNCH.

BAM!

BROCK PURDY!

Four touchdowns. His biggest game of the season. And he delivered it RIGHT WHEN THE COMMISH NEEDED IT MOST!

The Racers escape with their third straight win, knocking the Naberhood’s block clean off.

3-0. Keep the engines running!

Haddonfield Slashers vs Super QB Hut General

The Slashers came into Week 3 still looking to gain ground, while the General had loose hold of her own troops.

Bieniek saw a chance to blitz his foe, and advance they did!

Christian McCaffrey and Kyren Williams stormed the front lines, combining for 40+ points and 270 yards of heavy artillery!

BUT QB HUT HAD BOMBS OF THEIR OWN!

Jahmyr Gibbs answered with THREE SCORES.

Meanwhile, Matt rallied the troops behind 23 receptions from London, McBride, and Downs.

Still, the Iron Curtain DOES NOT FOLD!

Julia's wideouts launched one final flank — 23 receptions and THREE TOUCHDOWNS — decimating what remained of the opposition.

And as the smoke cleared…

THE GENERAL STANDS TALL!

The Slashers are left WINLESS, while The Hut marches on!

Shinra Tensei Pain vs Love and Fantasy Football

Next stop: THE MUD! Two of the league’s stinkers squared off in the Battle of MID-Way, both desperate for that first W and ready to fight to the wire.

Derek opened with fantasy royalty Matt Stafford and Ja’Marr Chase, both cracking 20 points.

BUT SCOTT HAD A BIJAN PROBLEM!

Scott answered with the wrecking ball himself: BIJAN ROBINSON, who packed up the Packers for nearly 200 yards and two touchdowns.

However, this is where the wheels left the bus as both roster's supporting casts landed flat combining for less than 60-points outside of their top two scorers.

So what was going to decide this Battle of the Bastards?

Well, it was Team Pain starting the Patriots defense against the red-hot Jaguars and going into the NEGATIVE.

So much regretti..

Turns out no defense at all would have made the difference here as Love and Fantasy Football end up pulling out the closest victory of the season.

Fremennik Exiles vs Egyptian Suns

And now, folks, we’re going OVERSEAS!

The international game of the week takes us to the desert, where Brennan’s Fremennik Exiles meet Amir’s Egyptian Suns — one team riding high, the other desperately trying to get back in the black.

Unfortunately for Amir…

The Suns apparently forgot to pack the offense.

The running backs? 15 POINTS. TOTAL.

And just to make matters worse, two key stars went down with injuries that could keep them sidelined for weeks.

Meanwhile, the Exiles arrived ready to make a statement in front of the foreign crowd.

FIFTY from the receivers!

FIFTY MORE from the running backs!

That’s ONE HUNDRED POINTS of aerial assault and ground warfare before we even get to Colston Loveland, who technically showed up — although “mouse jiggling” may be the kindest description of his afternoon.

The Suns did manage a little pulse.

Davante Adams reminded the youngsters that, YES, HE’S STILL GOT IT, while Brock Bowers offered a rare glimpse of life from the Raiders receiving corps.

But by then, the Exiles had already turned this international affair into a one-sided expedition.

Brennan cruises to his THIRD WIN OF THE SEASON, and more impressively, the Exiles have now won FIVE STRAIGHT dating back to last year!

From Fremennik to Egypt, the message is clear:

THE EXILES AREN’T TRAVELING FOR VACATION. THEY’RE TRAVELING TO CONQUER.

The Reapers vs Edgeville Nut Eaters

Now, rounding out the week, we go to the matchup featuring the current King of the Hill, Nick Lewandowski and The Reapers.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, and Nick is finding this out as his team has yet to taste victory this season.

The Nut Eaters haven't been much better off as one of the lowest scoring teams league-wide, but you know what they say about that blind squirrel.

Neither team seemed to want it that bad as they both put up the two lowest scores of the entire week.

The Reapers suffered early injuries to De'Von Achane and Jalen Coker, two of their workhorses.

Meanwhile, another stinker from Drake Maye put Edgeville behind early and they got no help from Jonathan Taylor either.

Just like our other snoozer of the week, this match came down to one owner starting a defense against bucket-getters.

Nick's decision to go with Philly was an eye-brow raiser, and they paid for it only getting a single point.

Randy catches a break this week and gets his first win of the season. Maybe it is true what they say about that squirrel after all.